In a piece titled "So we lose the tiger... but gain acid-spit snail," Jeremy Clarkson talks about nature's battle against extinction and the future of the Top Gear trio. Without further ado, this is how Jezza broke the silence in his most recent column for the tabloid:
"I THINK it’s fair to say that nature made a mistake when it invented the dinosaur. It was too big, too violent and with such small and puny arms it was never going to be able to operate heavy machinery or even enjoy a bit of special “me” time." Pretty easy to understand, but we haven't even got to the most tear-jearking part yet.
“All the dinosaurs died and now, years later, no-one mourns their passing. These big, imposing creatures have no place in a world which has moved on.” What these two lines point at is the dying of Top Gear as a show and how the presenter will have to move on.
Despite 880,000-plus signatures for the #BringBackClarkson petition, Jezza suggests that all our efforts were in vain: “You can start as many campaigns as you like and call on the support of politicians from all sides, but the day must come when you have to wave goodbye to the big monsters, and move on.”
This is the end and we can't do anything about it...
Fingers crossed other British broadcasting companies will bite his arm off and Clarkson will convice May and Hammond to start a new motoring show from square one. It will be hard to convince those two to jump on the bandwagon, but it won't be impossible.
Even if not for May and Hammond, if Jeremy will make a pay-per-view YouTube channel and continue filming car reviews, it'll still be enough to soothe our fevered petrolhead brows. Best of luck, Jezza!
UPDATE: Captain Slow confirmed that Top Gear is kaput in a not-so-cryptic manner.
UPDATE 2: The Mirror reports that "Jeremy Clarkson called Top Gear producer Oisin Tymon 'a lazy Irish ****," and that "Clarkson ranted for half an hour then punched him in the mouth - he was bleeding and dizzy so he had to go to hospital." In related Jeremy Clarkson news, bbc.co.uk was offline this afternoon, possibly because digital protest group Anonymous threatened an attack on the site a few days ago. So; it's been a week, and still no answer. How exactly do you pronounce 'fracas'? — James May